you have got. to be. kidding me.

i just don't understand how a white, heterosexual, Christian male in america can tell me that he's worked for everything he has - that he's not privileged.

ridiculous.

read this:

read this

then, read this:

As this idolatry is primarily in the world's ideas and resulting structures, the modern day believer ought not to be concerned with the same practical application as the Corinthians. One would be hard-pressed to find a temple prostitute or even to find food offered to idols (although, if presented with either situation, it would be wise for the believer to consider their interaction with depth). Rather, the current Christian ought to relentlessly ask themselves the probing question, "what relationships, partnerships, alliances, fellowships, or portions in my life are leading me to idolatry?" As it is a continual act of cleansing, it is not something we can simply decide is always, in every case, and equal or unequal yoking. Whether it be dating an unbeliever or forming a business partnership with one, the believer must always be considering the risks of their relationships, not just with unbelievers who are not within the fold of Christianity, but with the unbelief found within their churches. Non-Christians are not the only people who pose threats to the faith and devotion of Christ for believers. In fact, the pitfalls of Christians can be even more detrimental to the morality of a believer than a non-believer. Therefore, Paul's admonition remains helpful in guiding us as we seek to be set apart in devotion and pure worship of Christ.

boom.

nicodemus

we're recovering from our classicalities.
our rationalities.
even our sentimentalities.

we learnt that
"knowledge is power"
but perhaps
the perfection of humanness
is the lack of;
and acknowledgement of such.

now, belief, now.
conjure up images of
relics
sissies
crazies.

but.

what if belief is the only first step to sight? to knowing?

we might just have it backwards, and it certainly seems we do.
since no one knows
what we can really know.

belief is everywhere,
and we've been mocking the best of it.

if we cannot believe what He says about earthly things
how can we believe what He says about heaven?

if i were a fish...

thiswouldbeme

it's my blog. i do what i want.

...i deny them not, frame no excuse, but confess,

'Father, i have sinned';

yet still i live, and fly repenting to thy outstretched arms;

thou wilt not cast me off, for Jesus brings me near,

thou wilt not condemn me, for he died in my stead,

thou wilt not mark my mountains of sin,

for he levelled all,

and his beauty covers my deformities.

O my God, i bid farewell to sin by clinging to his cross,

hiding in his wounds, and sheltering in his side.

the valley of vision done did it agin'

what do you say?

i would like to stop ______ and start _______ more.

life as a boat.

how does a boat steer away from rocky shores?

there's not enough room!

no vessel can do it.

but i have; i did.

this, the chant of every survivor.

it took a team to get around some blocks.

my sailor-friends hopped off their boats (even momentarily)

and helped me to move mine.

(i am forever grateful.)

many an impasse left me alone

still more gridlocks i defeated by myself

and their defeat left me more wounded than before

but closer to freedom.

and the goal is open waters.

where depths can be probed without fear.

i must admit,

my telescope (or periscope) is blurry

inexperience fogs up the glass

am i at bay?

docked?

sailing free?

i'm moving.

whether in circular patterns,

in full sail,

or merely swaying with the wind.

but this i feel,

an Anchor.

steadfast, sure, flexible, and always true.

everywhere i float,

when plunged under surface,

in all battles,

each triumph,

in stinging loss,

through torrential storm;

this violent earth makes it's mark

but

Christ remains.

breaking the rules

feels like freedom and grace to me.

and no, tattle-tales, i'm not talking about moody rules. (you're such a joke.)

do you know where i come from?

do you?

do you know where anyone comes from?

but seriously, what are your assumptions?

because,

you might

be wrong.

so

so

terribly wrong.

in your black-and-white and simple and this-is-so-obviously-clear world.

WRONG.

if God gives us what we need when we need it, why don't you?

dear right-brain,

you have 51 days left.

better make the best of it because come december 15th, i am dropping you like its hot.

and it WILL be hot, because i'll be in puerto rico.

(bitches.)

i expect many questions will be answered then.

religion:

something, anything which makes us feel either good or bad; ok or not; accepted or rejected. it is our systematic way of coping with the unknown.

WE WORSHIP IT.

comfort abounds when you know me and aren't trying to prove to me who you are or who i am. when we are. together.

hold me up when my soul is deep deep drowning depths.

lift up my chin.

there is much to see.

take me there, where you can see it and touch it on your skin.

let all my senses be enchanted.

enchanted by God, yes God even, if that's what he put into motion.

just don't let my soul ___________

http://twitpic.com/70aem5

call the doctor, my heart is feeling ill.

i hope

that i'm naive

that i'm wrong

because i hope that i have a reason to have hope.

questions might mean something

what is the difference between a broken heart and a broken hope?

someone hold me back.

there is too much

within my reach.

bacci's pizza, the magical cure.

allowing myself to be
more than ever before.

seeking to understand the labels
that everyone wants
that everyone needs

making my peace with them.

deciding which ones i want to believe
and how i want to believe them

there's always an adjustment to be made.

not afraid of categorizing.
the box i'm in will always reshape itself.

if i can love myself this much
maybe
i can love you this much too.

don't get it

i can hardly believe our common denominator is
humanity

but my pride is speaking here.

you make me sick
and there is always compassion for me

how can you feel compassion for both
the oppressed and
the oppresser?
abused and abuser?
unfaithful and jipped?
ungraceful and ungraced?
gossiper and gossiped about?

where do we find equality?


only in a lapse of reality,
one called
"forgiveness"

analyze with me.

last night i had a dream where j.r. was shot.

yes, j.r., from pop trivia somewhere, was shot in my dream.

i think he must have been a friend of mine.

there was no clarity about who had done it, and in fact, for some odd reason, whether or not i had done it, i was trying my damnedest to make it seem like i had.

some family and church friends drove up to the scene, and i took an ax (or a bat? but i think it was an ax) and started hitting their cars with it. i shattered my friend anna's windows. everyone seemed ok with it, like it was part of the plan. i was doing all these violent actions with great calm. i got into the backseat of anna's car with a few other people and anna seemed annoyed. she said that she didn't realize she was going to end up with broken windows because of this. i felt bad. for that, but nothing else.

we drove to a cabin in the woods (these woods have been in my dreams before) and everyone got out and went into the cabin, just as i was reaching the front door with my dad, the cops came. they started to arrest me.

everything was going according to the plan.

ahem:
To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.

To dream that you witness a murder, indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

To dream that you are being blamed for something, suggests that you are feeling powerless and helpless in some waking situation.

To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. It could also symbolize bitterness, jealousy, or rivalry, depending on your relationship with your family. Alternatively, it could mean that you are overly dependent on your family, especially if the family members are in your recurring dreams .Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.

To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend, indicates positive news.

To see an ax in your dream, indicates that you are overly controlling. It is symbolic of destruction, hostility, and the frustrations that you are experiencing. Perhaps you "have an ax to grind" with someone. Or the dream can be a metaphor that you are ready to "bury the ax" and make amends.

To see broken glass in your dream, signifies disappointments and negative changes in your life. Alternatively, it could be symbolic of an aspect of your life that is in pieces. A relationship or situation has come to an abrupt and untimely end. If you are walking on broken glass, then it suggests that you will be experiencing some heartache or pain. You are unsure with how to proceed with your life.

To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going. However, if you are the passenger, then you are taking a passive role. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that you are sorry, parallels waking feelings of regret or remorse. Some residual feelings that you have when you are awake can often express themselves in your dream, especially if it is weighing on your mind. Alternatively, the dream may be giving you a nudge to say "sorry" to someone.

To dream that you are in or walking through the forest, signifies a transitional phase. Follow your instincts. Alternatively, it indicates that you want to escape to a simpler way of life. You are feeling weighed down by the demands of your life.

To see or dream that you are in a wood cabin, indicates that you will succeed via your own means. It suggests that you are self-reliant and independent, yet still remain humble. You prefer the simpler things in life.

To see your father in your dream, symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. Consider also your waking relationship with your father and how aspects of his character may be incorporated within yourself.

To see the police in your dream, symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. You need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. Alternatively, the dream refers to failure in honoring your obligation and commitments.

To dream that you are arrested by the police, suggests that you feel sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt. The dream may also be a metaphor that you are feeling apprehensive about something.

that's amore!

i'm not sure if there is such a thing as healthy love.
because its not healthy to cause yourself harm

and yet

love always results in suffering.

if we were honest, our phrases would go like this:

"pain is blind"
"all you need is masochism"
"and the greatest of these is suffering"

love, love, love.

you mess everything up.

when it rains...

minaswell is not a word, but i don't know how else to say it

everywhere i look, i see people playing it safe.

there's a lot more grace than that, and you will (never) exhaust it anyway.

minaswell do what you want,

or even,

what you dream of.

did you know?

that i tell people i want to help counsel and rehabilitate survivors of human trafficking just to raise awareness about the issue? in reality, i'm training to work with victims of severe abuse, and i could basically care less if they had been trafficked or not. haha.

warmthing breeze

i'm pretending two things don't exist for the summer: moody and marriage.

well, a million reasons why - but blogs don't deserve to know very much.

i'm pretending that transcendence is more important than the natural and visible.

maybe i'll end up believing what i pretend.

it would be pretense no matter what i try to believe.

from a gathering of good friends

can we still look up into these wintery skies and sing the praises?
the only real praise there is.
we've been awoken from our dreams times too many.
hold my heart up, hold my hand steady, lift my chin so the rain can fall full impact.

i'll feel this since i'm living this.

are we alone?, the question that both answers itself and doesn't.

and we'll jump into our empire of truth and it will drench us and cause us to move up and on.

it is only in these short beginnings that the empire crashes,

in reality It is the strong Beauty It always was.

do you see the sunlight behind the clouds?

yes, no, certain not always.

one day we'll soar and Sonbathe all the time.

we don't often see what keeps us alive.

but oh, how we long to.

jump!

the more you heal, the more you might hurt.

i am deeply sick and tired of writing about my pain.

letting someone intellectually dissect it.

and thank me for sharing.

finding new ways to put it.

i'm frustrated with learning something new every time.

i just wish it weren't my past.

foolish? escapist? hopeful?

i wish no one had the same past too.

foolish. escapist. hopeful.

one day.

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;

boom. encouragement.

i'm totally posting a paper

watch me!

A Time to Weep

Ben Sollee has said that his song It’s Not Impossible is about how he was trained not to cry by his American culture. The mantra, “boys don’t cry” is repeated throughout his song to emphasize this point. Sollee advocates the reversal of the indoctrination of this belief but admits that it takes time most people do not have. His description of the normative but dysfunctional male response to a need to cry includes great displays of anger and power. What seems to be a break up hurts him and makes him angry and fearful, and despite these powerful motivators he still lives by the moral that boys should not cry. Toward the end of the song, Sollee tosses out a few more ideas that contradict popular stereotypes – men can be beautiful, girls can be handsome, and children can be wise. It ends how it begins, with Sollee confessing the difficulty he has when trying to cry, stating that it is the hardest thing he has ever done.

Western culture propagates the unhealthy idea that the hard to handle emotions ought to be cast aside so that one can think clearly about a problem or circumstance. Logic and reason have come to be the antitheses to emotion, rather than be the helpful interpreter of human feelings. Crying is no longer understood to be appropriate in certain circumstances, but is seen in all settings as a sign of weakness and futility. Couple this with the western definition of a strong man as hardened and weathered but unbroken by the hardships in life, and the result is a prevailing sense that men, more than women, ought not to cry, weep, or dedicate any time to grief. (It does not help that women are seen as weaker, fragile, and nonsensical and therefore “allowed” the full range of emotions.) A grave injustice is done to men when they are only permitted violent and reckless behavior as a means of expressing anger, fear, or sorrow that should be articulated in a more straightforward way.

A Biblical response to human emotions neither negates nor purifies them without discretion. Rather, the Bible presents the idea of emotions that are validated and cared for as is appropriate, allowing the reasonableness of Gospel truth to infiltrate human emotions. Throughout scripture, there are many accounts of godly men and of God himself, the sole perfect man, crying because of the pain in their lives. The Psalms are filled with many an emotional cry to God, most of them from Kind David, a great warrior and a man after God’s own heart (1 Sam. 13:13-14). A shining example is given in the life of Joseph, whose story of betrayal and estrangement includes multiple reports of his weeping. He cries with wisdom, knowing when to trust his brothers with that kind of vulnerability and when to retreat to a safe place to express his pain. In a fallen world, God has given mankind emotions in order to grieve the pain that is so prevalent. In Isaiah 15, it is noted that great warriors mourn the lack of regard for human life, disproving the idea that soldiers are blockheaded, numb killing machines. Instead, the Israelite army shows depth in understanding while they are in combat. Ecclesiastes says that, “with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief” (1:18). Mordecai appropriately responds to the edict which legalized the genocide of the Israelites by engaging in outward representations of grief common to that culture, and weeping in the city with what Scripture calls, “a bitter cry.” Of course, the most excellent example of right emotions amongst men is that of Jesus Christ. In Him is found a man who weeps over Jerusalem’s failure to see their salvation and impending destruction, as well as one who weeps over the loss of a single human life (Luke 19, John 11). Many other times, he is driven to compassion and other such “feminine” emotions. He weeps publicly at the death of Lazarus, allowing his deep love for him to be shown, and scripture says that he was deeply moved at the sight of his close friends mourning Lazarus’ death.

Scripture not only shows examples of godly sorrow but that of unjustified emotions as well as emotions which lead to wrong actions. Both of these are a result of a fallen world; that is, the sin in and around us. In Jeremiah 30:15, God asks Zion why they would cry out against the destruction which they brought on themselves due to their own flagrant sin. God brought their strife upon them because of the great sin in their lives, so they ought to rather cry to God for mercy rather than justice. God’s mercy alone allows for release from the injustice inflicted upon them, and it is by no justification of their own. Here a principle of the tension of God’s grace is laid out more clearly, in that humans are never completely justified in their own sorrow, and yet God hears their cry and enacts both justice and mercy upon the guilty parties. Coming boldly before a throne of grace ought to include a growing awareness of this rule for the believer. Joseph’s brothers face harsh belittling and rejection from a father who favors and deeply loves only one of his sons. Rather than properly grieving the hurt which a sinful Jacob brings to all of the other sons, they turn their hurt into fuel for hatred and jealousy against Joseph. This leads them to terrible sins against Joseph and their father. Here we see the principle that not dealing appropriately with human pain is a recipe for sin and more pain.

Sollee’s song is full of a longing for culture to not have shaped him to think it unmanly to cry. He seems to submit to the idea unwillingly, not knowing exactly how to combat the idea that boy’s simply do not cry. Intuition tells us that there is something redeemable to crying even though it is essentially a painful experience, but oftentimes, we do not move beyond this vague notion, because, as Sollee points out, we do not have (or make) the time. Given a godly perspective on emotions, one is given the freedom to appreciate and express sorrow appropriately. Not only does Scripture combat the general notion that crying is feminine or weak, but it validates the injustice of a fallen world and the need for an emotional outlet in the midst of the pain that brings. A biblical perspective on pain incorporates wisdom with pain and permits morality to be objective within it. Believers have the ability to repent of wrong attitudes and actions that may contribute or be formed by their sorrow, and so morality is not left to the wayside as we find validation for our sorrow. Given this framework wherein sorrow can be valued but not take center stage, men are freed up to respond rightly to injustice, rather than indulge in immoral and violent actions, such as Sollee’s example of stealing a car and speeding. Ultimately, as men and women look to be more like the ultimate Human, they can both engage in the intensity of emotions that Christ felt here on earth without fear of betraying gender roles given by their surrounding culture.

walking home.

it's 1:30 in the morning and i happen to be walking home from work.

i see regulars at my restaurant and stop and chat with them about how young i am/the joys of led zeppelin, naturally.

a little later, my gaze lingers too long at a vehicle full of people. the guy in the backseat flashes me the peace sign.

i love my neighborhood.

is there anything inherently good about desire?

i want to travel,

to learn,

to find myself by losing myself.

i want to visit family

and friends.

i want to experience as much sunshine as possible,

as many smiles from different faces as i can.

i want to take my music with me,

perhaps more than anything else.

spring of next year,

i'd love to take songwriting classes,

banjo classes,

etc.

i'd like to rock climb again -

not to be strong,

but to feel strong.

i want, i want, i want.

i want to not merely be a resource-taker,

but a depth-finder,

a blessing-giver,

a hope-shiner,

a melding of giving and delighting.

the chronicling of a great friendship.

was going through some ol' pics and thought i'd share:

from our interpretation of the words "casual formal"

to votes and political conversations (congrats dave, i usually ignore people who talk politics)

to dancin' in the streets

or throwing flowers in them.

friends like these are a pair of rose-colored glasses.

a checklist

are you the right kind of man for my coworker?

- no chronic drug users

- no popped collars

- no backwards hats

- no button-down pinstripe shirts

- no saying "J-Mo," it's jameson

- needs a job

- preferably a car too

- cool, cocky, but somehow not an asshole

- taller than her (let's start at 6 feet)

- needs to be physically able to pick her up

in other news, my coworker and i have very different mindsets about this kind of thing...

sometimes

we lose our dignity.

at times

we have to go all the way back to where we lost it

and really think:

now where did i put it?

at other times

we get a clearly-written map placed right in our hands.

it was here.

and there.

here's how you pick it back up again.

and then there are times

where you wake up and you are blanketed with it.

you did nothing to reclaim it but rest;

and it's warm

and it's comforting

and it's everything it should be.

matchmaking:

all the excitement of a new crush/relationship with none of the responsibility/hurt.

am i right or am i right? i don't know why i haven't tapped into this hobby before...

to be or to do

this Christmas break was a whole lot of boring. i had written a rather ambitious list of things to get done with all the free time - like paint a table and fill out my FAFSA for cryin out loud. but i found myself tired in a very deep and thorough sense so because i could, i slacked on essentially every item on my to-do list. or rather, i revised it. here it is:

- wake up as late as possible

- read every jodi picoult book you can stomach (avoid all classic and/or philosophical/theological literature)

- watch sad, thought-provoking, and especially foreign movies (because chick-flicks are from hell)

- take every social and money-making opportunity (even working for a woman who should write the handbook for insanity)

- don't spend money

- try to stay warm

- creatively cook (no $$ = creativity!)

- be ok with being the most boring person you know

some people are very secure in their selves. they don't need to do anything in order to be someone. i'd like to think that most of them haven't been judged as harshly as i have been - perhaps there wasn't as much expected from them growing up. admittedly, for some it's just a personality thing. they're innately ok with who they are.

on the other hand, i am innately drawn to be the best version of myself that i can be, which is both a blessing and a curse. i am innately drawn to judging myself based on my latest performance.

man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.

i can't really blame people or myself for judging me based off of my actions. that's all we've got as finite beings! if i want to ground myself in God's truth and not man's version of truth, then i'd better understand who God says that i am, rather than who man (whether others or me) says that i am.

God says a whole bunch about who i am, and i've got a lifetime of delving into that ahead of me.

but for this break, when i did not do much at all, i realized that i still am all the good and all the bad things that i was when i was busy, productive, helpful, social; i am the same spirited ruth when the calendar pats me on the back for a job well done and when it doesn't say anything at all. my actions do not dictate my self-worth, my dignity, even my personality. i am ok.

the Christmas gifts i received this year were very practical - all things i very much needed: a mop, a microwave, a toaster, becoming more ok with myself. merry Christmas me.