i don't know what i want.
what a terrible reality.
where is my syllabus for who to be in this life? can i check online for a schedule of who to be friends with? the ruth handbook on what to believe? at the very least, i'm sure i've jotted down a few lines in the past that will help me dictate the future...
but sometimes i just have to wait to see who the future will make me into, where it will take me, in what relationships i will find myself. there is nothing i can do to figure it out.
i think You like this more than me. just sayin.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
7.6.9.
sometimes, daydreams seem unavoidable. i suppose, hope keeps the human spirit alive, and sometimes, the dreams are what i hope for, rather than the reality... i guess i've decided it's not wrong, just risky.
Friday, October 9, 2009
the things my roommate teaches me.
i'm pretty sure i am as well-equipped for marriage and lifelong committment as i'll ever be. here's why.
yesterday, after sanyelle and i got "home" from "work," we chatted for a little while as we went about our normal daily tasks (checking facebook, writing on each others walls, looking up twilight blogs). then we did a crossword puzzle together. and when i say together, i mean together. side by side on my bed, we formed a team of brain-power as we tackled the oh so endless world of words.
by the time we had finished, we were both ready for a nap. an hour later, an alarming amount of frogs were in our room struggling to croak loud enough to wake us. as sanyelle screamed my name, telling me to make the frogs shutup, i repeatedly quieted the frogs only to hear their disturbing existence rear its ugly head 5 minutes later.
finally, the frogs won the fight, and sanyelle and i skipped down to the dinner (we had spent hours preparing). afterwards, we went out to blockbuster, rented a chick flick, and cuddled on the couch as we ate chocolate and sighed at edward cullen's glittering bod.
it would've been so romantic if sanyelle was an attractive boy. who didn't have a secret crush on edward cullen. who didn't scream at me and my evil frog alarm clock.
romance, i tell you.
yesterday, after sanyelle and i got "home" from "work," we chatted for a little while as we went about our normal daily tasks (checking facebook, writing on each others walls, looking up twilight blogs). then we did a crossword puzzle together. and when i say together, i mean together. side by side on my bed, we formed a team of brain-power as we tackled the oh so endless world of words.
by the time we had finished, we were both ready for a nap. an hour later, an alarming amount of frogs were in our room struggling to croak loud enough to wake us. as sanyelle screamed my name, telling me to make the frogs shutup, i repeatedly quieted the frogs only to hear their disturbing existence rear its ugly head 5 minutes later.
finally, the frogs won the fight, and sanyelle and i skipped down to the dinner (we had spent hours preparing). afterwards, we went out to blockbuster, rented a chick flick, and cuddled on the couch as we ate chocolate and sighed at edward cullen's glittering bod.
it would've been so romantic if sanyelle was an attractive boy. who didn't have a secret crush on edward cullen. who didn't scream at me and my evil frog alarm clock.
romance, i tell you.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
.
saw a woman walking out of planned parenthood tonight with tear-stained cheeks.
what is my heart breaking worth?
i wanted to grieve for her, for her baby, but what does it do if all i do is feel for people?
sometimes its the only thing i can do.
what is my heart breaking worth?
i wanted to grieve for her, for her baby, but what does it do if all i do is feel for people?
sometimes its the only thing i can do.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
this is only a journal.
wickedness. however it started, it becomes an endless cycle of pain, sin, lust, anger, frustration, and more pain, and more sin. all these are small partakers in death, representative of death, leading to death's door. it baffles me that God finds all persons pitiable even when theyre are filled to the brim with wickedness. it doesn't matter how small or how grand the offense, God took care of their payment for sin so that he could enjoy the company of that one child, so that he could take care of them, and wipe away their tears, and love them.
we are never too ugly for God. he is our creator and he knows how we ought to be and what we were created for. we are always redeemable to him, in this life. time has run out when he shuts the door on it. he surrenders us over to the death we were living for. we don't begin to understand the grief God feels at losing a child to death, eternal death. never again will he share a moment of quiet with them, a moment of beauty. he spent a lifetime (their lifetime) wooing them in as he saw fit, and they never bit the line. he created them creatures separate from himself, and as such, ones who could think they were greater than him, smarter, better, and ones who could think they didn't need, want, or like him.
the rejection of our God is sometimes played out to make him seem pathetic. as if he were the lost little boy looking for his mother shouting, "love me! love me!" quite the contrary. what kind of God is he to cry out to us "love me! love me!" and yet not be destroyed by the rejection of each living human being that has ever existed? we can hardly stand the rejection of a person we've just met on the dance floor; the rejection of parents embitters and cripples us for a lifetime; will you dare to laugh in God's face and require him to buck up at the rejection of all of his fearfully and wonderfully made children? if you do, you don't understand his love.
a god who loves this much and is so much is not a pathetic god. the greater the Lover the better the love.
we are never too ugly for God. he is our creator and he knows how we ought to be and what we were created for. we are always redeemable to him, in this life. time has run out when he shuts the door on it. he surrenders us over to the death we were living for. we don't begin to understand the grief God feels at losing a child to death, eternal death. never again will he share a moment of quiet with them, a moment of beauty. he spent a lifetime (their lifetime) wooing them in as he saw fit, and they never bit the line. he created them creatures separate from himself, and as such, ones who could think they were greater than him, smarter, better, and ones who could think they didn't need, want, or like him.
the rejection of our God is sometimes played out to make him seem pathetic. as if he were the lost little boy looking for his mother shouting, "love me! love me!" quite the contrary. what kind of God is he to cry out to us "love me! love me!" and yet not be destroyed by the rejection of each living human being that has ever existed? we can hardly stand the rejection of a person we've just met on the dance floor; the rejection of parents embitters and cripples us for a lifetime; will you dare to laugh in God's face and require him to buck up at the rejection of all of his fearfully and wonderfully made children? if you do, you don't understand his love.
a god who loves this much and is so much is not a pathetic god. the greater the Lover the better the love.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
a facebook status won't be enough for me.
i'm tired.
it's past 2 am.
finally time to go to bed.
when i'm tired, my bed is a wonderful place.
just imagine
not having one.
is it hard to imagine?
can you really imagine, night after night
after night after night
sometimes you get beat up
oftentimes so hungry you cant sleep.
one bite would tide you over.
but theres nothing.
you're cold.
you wake up shivering.
kicking away rodents.
no, you retire to a clean mattress (STD-free)
well-sheeted (the mattress is "gross")
a few blankets
cute patterns even
just the right pillow (medium-firm)
you trust your roommate.
maybe they ate some of your fritos,
but you took some of their soda.
no biggie.
ownership of such small things hardly phases you.
just worth a few bucks.
what a world we live in.
it's past 2 am.
finally time to go to bed.
when i'm tired, my bed is a wonderful place.
just imagine
not having one.
is it hard to imagine?
can you really imagine, night after night
after night after night
sometimes you get beat up
oftentimes so hungry you cant sleep.
one bite would tide you over.
but theres nothing.
you're cold.
you wake up shivering.
kicking away rodents.
no, you retire to a clean mattress (STD-free)
well-sheeted (the mattress is "gross")
a few blankets
cute patterns even
just the right pillow (medium-firm)
you trust your roommate.
maybe they ate some of your fritos,
but you took some of their soda.
no biggie.
ownership of such small things hardly phases you.
just worth a few bucks.
what a world we live in.
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