Dis wers Gerd

http://devangelical.com/creed/

i am not one of those people that give God my efforts with conditions attached. "i'll do this so that you will give me that." nope.

i gave God everything and i got nothing. worse than nothing - i got so incredibly hurt by that.

ok, not the full story. i did get good things from it. i am who i am because of my experiences and i like who i am. but i'm also suspicious, bitter, angry, and hurt.

i am not rushing back into the place i've been hurt the most. i need to protect myself. i don't want to not learn from my mistakes and jump back in.

i've tried at my church and it's a good church with good people who i have good relationships with. but i am too messed up for church.

"blah blah the church is for the broken blah blah." i'm not saying i won't be accepted there. i am saying i am too unfit for the relationship.

if it was a dating relationship people would understand. i would be considered wise to stay out of a relationship for a while after i broke up with a bad boyfriend.

but it's God, and we are afraid to step away from God lest we stir up his wrath and spend eternity in torment or something worse... and so we insist that all i need is more God. right-o.

i insist on dignity and respect. and that takes time.

i've broken up with a bad religion and i'll take that time before i get into another one.

milling around.

had dinner with one of those world-traveling friends last night. we played catch-up, relating hilarious and awkward stories, sharing sorrows and joys from the past months. the conversation drifted to our Christianity and what has been learnt or un-learnt since we last met. she said something i want to remember and i'll do my best to sum up here:

figuring out and knowing what you believe is important, sure, but the main thing, really the only thing that people need is to know that they are loved.

re-read that one if you need to. let that statement settle into your being so that you can understand how revolutionary that is. (or click the 'x' at the top of your browser.)

i escaped bible college to realize that my beliefs had been dashed to pieces and then thrown around. i have slowly been milling around all the other parts of my life and finding a piece of belief here and there. i pick it up, examine it, sometimes put it in my pocket for a while, sometimes i throw it out.

i never thought i would have thrown this much out.

on occasion, i find a piece of belief that i find beautiful. overwhelmingly beautiful. i've been brought to tears at the beauty of what i believed in, or sometimes just the beauty of my own fervent belief.

on an even more rare occasion, i keep that belief close. i find that it was always there, grafted into my skin.

typically, though overwhelmed at the beauty, i still throw it out, or put it in a place i can remember to go back to.

my friend's statement that the most important thing is to know we are loved is a beautiful belief.

i will be staring at this one for a long time, maybe forever.

don't you love the word "musings?" doesn't it seem perfect for a blog?

i find grace to be arbitrary unless connected to Christ's sacrifice on the cross for the imperfect and sick humanity.

other realms of thought seem to require means of bettering oneself, perfection, or acceptability, but a philosophy of grace seems weak coming from them.

and i'm convinced grace is necessary for the health of a being.

so... what do you think about that?

i don' wrote a song!

i'll lay me down, down upon your bed
and you'll take care of me 'cause that is what you said.
you know me well! better than myself.
the good book said so, yeah that is what you sell.
without you here i might have to feel,
i might have to think, i might have some fears.

i'll lay me down
i'll lay me down
i'm here for the taking, i'm yours
i'm here for the raping, all yours

they call this faith, faith to the extreme
but all i was left with was faith in machine.
you crank us out, we're more or less the same.
prayin' futile prayers, and say it's in a name.
question we will, pardon we will not.
give us grace to grow in ways you think we're not.

i'll lay me down
i'll lay me down
not here for the taking, i'm free
not here for the raping, i'm strong
and it's been too long

it's been too long

note to self:

write a blog titled: why it's hard to disagree with a pulpit

today

i'm celebrating the fact that i never hated valentine's day for pointing out my loneliness or singleness.

know that loneliness and depression follow you in and out of relationships. don't fool yourself into thinking that just because some don't have to buy theirselves chocolates today means they're one step closer to happiness.

and don't tell me "easy for you to say" because i've spent 23 years celebrating singleness awareness day saying this shit.

am i the only one who feels this way?

what is love?

it's not hollywood,
it's not apathy,
it's neither uncaring nor overbearing.

but i'm not sure what it is.

is it a decision?
a commitment?
passion?
uncontrollable?

i get love
between friends, family,
for random people.
i really do,
secretly, i love everyone.
even the most terrible people.

but i don't know about the love
that everyone else
can't shutup about.

trauma

"what I need is not... Fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again."