i am not one of those people that give God my efforts with conditions attached. "i'll do this so that you will give me that." nope.

i gave God everything and i got nothing. worse than nothing - i got so incredibly hurt by that.

ok, not the full story. i did get good things from it. i am who i am because of my experiences and i like who i am. but i'm also suspicious, bitter, angry, and hurt.

i am not rushing back into the place i've been hurt the most. i need to protect myself. i don't want to not learn from my mistakes and jump back in.

i've tried at my church and it's a good church with good people who i have good relationships with. but i am too messed up for church.

"blah blah the church is for the broken blah blah." i'm not saying i won't be accepted there. i am saying i am too unfit for the relationship.

if it was a dating relationship people would understand. i would be considered wise to stay out of a relationship for a while after i broke up with a bad boyfriend.

but it's God, and we are afraid to step away from God lest we stir up his wrath and spend eternity in torment or something worse... and so we insist that all i need is more God. right-o.

i insist on dignity and respect. and that takes time.

i've broken up with a bad religion and i'll take that time before i get into another one.