don't you love the word "musings?" doesn't it seem perfect for a blog?

i find grace to be arbitrary unless connected to Christ's sacrifice on the cross for the imperfect and sick humanity.

other realms of thought seem to require means of bettering oneself, perfection, or acceptability, but a philosophy of grace seems weak coming from them.

and i'm convinced grace is necessary for the health of a being.

so... what do you think about that?

i don' wrote a song!

i'll lay me down, down upon your bed
and you'll take care of me 'cause that is what you said.
you know me well! better than myself.
the good book said so, yeah that is what you sell.
without you here i might have to feel,
i might have to think, i might have some fears.

i'll lay me down
i'll lay me down
i'm here for the taking, i'm yours
i'm here for the raping, all yours

they call this faith, faith to the extreme
but all i was left with was faith in machine.
you crank us out, we're more or less the same.
prayin' futile prayers, and say it's in a name.
question we will, pardon we will not.
give us grace to grow in ways you think we're not.

i'll lay me down
i'll lay me down
not here for the taking, i'm free
not here for the raping, i'm strong
and it's been too long

it's been too long

note to self:

write a blog titled: why it's hard to disagree with a pulpit

today

i'm celebrating the fact that i never hated valentine's day for pointing out my loneliness or singleness.

know that loneliness and depression follow you in and out of relationships. don't fool yourself into thinking that just because some don't have to buy theirselves chocolates today means they're one step closer to happiness.

and don't tell me "easy for you to say" because i've spent 23 years celebrating singleness awareness day saying this shit.

am i the only one who feels this way?

what is love?

it's not hollywood,
it's not apathy,
it's neither uncaring nor overbearing.

but i'm not sure what it is.

is it a decision?
a commitment?
passion?
uncontrollable?

i get love
between friends, family,
for random people.
i really do,
secretly, i love everyone.
even the most terrible people.

but i don't know about the love
that everyone else
can't shutup about.

trauma

"what I need is not... Fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again."

you have got. to be. kidding me.

i just don't understand how a white, heterosexual, Christian male in america can tell me that he's worked for everything he has - that he's not privileged.

ridiculous.